How to communicate better in your relationship
Each relationship is unique and there are many factors that influence how well you communicate. This blog looks to focus on some fundamental skills that are easy to implement before you turn to couples counselling and as a couple’s counsellor, a basic skill I share with almost all my clients who are struggling with being heard by their loved one. It is also transferable to other relationships in your life, including family members and close friends.
I Statements
The concept is called I Statements and was developed by Thomas Gordon in the 1960’s as a way to improve communication. Further research shows that I Statements are particularly helpful in romantic relationships, reducing defensiveness and conflict. It is helpful when one person is experiencing a negative emotion through a situation that their partner plays a role in, for example, a Matt does not tell his Sarah when he is running late after work. She gets worried that something bad has happened and hurt that he hasn’t thought about her. When he gets home, her anxiety and hurt is expressed as anger and says “you never think about me, you are so selfish! You think you’re work is more important than us!”. Her husband, who feels like he is doing his best to support the family, feeling attacked, yells back. After a yelling match, they both withdraw, both feeling misunderstood and hurt.
Instead of using blaming language, I Statements encourage the individual to re-orientate the situation to their internal experience, which can reduce feelings of defensiveness in the other. This allows space for the couple to work together on a solution. In this example, the Sarah could have paused, regulated herself and said instead “I feel worried and unimportant when I don’t know when you are coming home. This is because of my anxiety; I jump to the worse case scenario. All I need from you is a text or call, which will help reduce it.” This encourages Matt to empathise with Sarah’s anxiety and take action, instead of shame.
Here is the building blocks of the I Statements:
Problems with I Statements
While this is a great strategy to have in mind when talking about potentially difficult topics in a relationship, it is not foolproof. Here are some things to bear in mind when it comes to I Statements:
- It doesn’t completely stop defensiveness. If a partner is highly sensitive to any form of criticism, they can still feel attacked, even if the statement is presented without blaming language. If this is relevant to one or both of you, this is where couples counselling can help.
- If the structure is used too rigidly, it can come across robotic like and unnatural. It is best to use as a general philosophy of focusing on your internal experience and avoiding blame, instead of fixed structure.
- Dismissing the emotion. A key factor in I Statements working is the concept that your emotions are your own and shouldn’t be argued with. Unfortunately, instead of engaging with their partner, an individual may choose to argue with them about how the feel, which is invalidating at best. No one can tell you how you feel and if this is coming up in your relationship, it is another sign to seek further help through a couple’s counsellor.
I hope this gives you and your partner an easy, accessible way to communicate with each other is a loving, constructive way. If you are interested in reading more about the effectiveness of I Statements and how it works, read more here. Otherwise, if you feel like you need some extra help with your relationship, whether through individual counselling or as a couple, please feel free to reach out to me and make an appointment today. I offer in person counselling services from my offices in Edithvale and Somerville as well as Australia wide online.